He gets cranky, occasionally pees or poops in his pants while playing because he doesn't want to be interupted and generally becomes so irritable that our whole family suffers.

 

I would separate the actions from the reactions. It's not the game playing that's a problem. If he were spending hours sculpting clay into fantastical creatures and couldn't stop to go to the bathroom, would that be a problem?

 

It's his ability to handle his emotions after hours of intensity that's a problem. It's his ability to interrupt something intensely interesting to do something boring and irritating that's a problem. It's his ability to transition to something else. It's his ability to set aside his own needs to allow others needs to be met that's a problem. Those are all skills that are useful for a lifetime that he can be helped with. Some of those skills he might be able to do now with some help at awareness. Some he might struggle with because he isn't developmentally ready. Just as some kids can speak fine except for certain letters. It will come with time and opportunity to learn.

 

(It was a joke, but on the game review show X-Play (on Tech TV -- it's a really funny show and we're not even big gamers! :-) they had some made up gaming inventions. One of them was The X-Play Gaming Pants -- adult diapers -- for extended playing power. ;-) So hard core adult gamers find interrupting for the bathroom an annoyance too and they've had 4 or 5 times the practice at living your son has.)

 

I should take a shower as soon as I get up in the morning. But I really want to get writing. And the light in the bathroom takes an interminable minute or two to turn on. But if I sit down at the computer while I wait for it I can be there for 2-3 hours. And then my daughter Kat wakes up and I'm faced with having to help her find something to do on her own at some point so I can take a shower.

 

I'm an adult and I should be able to do the "right" thing which is take a shower as soon as I get up. But I really really want to write and the bathroom light takes so very very long to come on that I usually end up on the computer and faced with the shower problem.

 

If people grumped at me -- well I should change because I'm an adult and shouldn't need people to grump at me in order to change -- but I would feel grumpy in return, the home would be full of negative energy and relationships would be battered.

 

What would work better is if someone were up before me and left the light on in the bathroom. Or if I asked my husband to remind me. (I wouldn't transfer the burden to him. I wouldn't expect him to make me take a shower or blame him if he forgot to remind me.) Or if I put a reminder note on the computer. Or lots of other things that respected that I will change when I am able to change.

 

It's helpful to realize that we can't make people change. People will only change when they choose to change. We can make the circumstances around them so unpleasant that they choose to change to stop the unpleasantness but in the process everything fills up with negativity and we tear at relationships. Or we can recognize that kids are doing the best they can at the moment and help them acquire new skills. We can be people that they want to help and want to change for, rather than controlling harridans they wish would go away.

 

If he were drawing for hours and turning out wonderful stuff that you wanted to encourage him to continue doing, it would probably be easier to see the solution.

 

Ask him periodically if he needs to go to the bathroom. When you're near him, be aware of his body language so you can see that he does need to go. Help him get to a saving spot on the game. When you can entice him away with something else, ask if he needs to go to the bathroom so he won't be interrupting something fun just for something boring.

 

When he's cranky, talk about that. Tell him in a calm matter of fact voice that you won't let people treat you like that -- if he's hitting or saying nasty things. Or tell him that you can't help him unless he can speak clearly and calmly. Or whatever will give him information and awareness about his emotions and how they affect others.

 

When he's in the midst of crankiness it's helpful to realize he doesn't feel wrong. He feels the whole world is wrong. Telling him he's the one that's off isn't going to change his perception. But giving him feedback that grumping at people won't get him what he wants very efficiently -- no matter how "wrong" the rest of the world is being at the moment ;-) -- will be one step in him gaining greater awareness of what's going on inside of him and what's causing it and how to handle emotions rather than just reacting to them.

 

The goal shouldn't be to stop what's causing the emotions. Life will always be throwing things at him that will cause his emotions to rile up. So the goal should be to help him deal with his emotions.

 

Some of the skills he needs is an awareness of his body so he notices the build up to crankiness. He can't take a break until he has the ability to notice when he needs a break. You can talk about what he feels when he's playing. It's possible he won't know but asking periodically will help him be more aware so when he's developmentally ready to notice, he'll have that awareness in place.

 

That will be a long process. Some adults haven't mastered what to do with emotions -- probably because they were told to shove them down and not display them.

 

Kids often feel slaves to their emotions. They get these feelings and they feel they need to react however they feel. Like hitting when they're angry. Or screaming when they're frustrated.

 

You can mention -- perhaps when he's not cranky -- that you've been noticing that he gets mean with the family after he's been playing games for a long time.